Thursday, July 31, 2008

A Bit A Bout Signage

So, I am making some signs for the bout. I am thinking very WWF, pep rally, stick-in-the-eye-taunting sort of stuff. My hope is to really get some crowd participation and raw emotion flowing in the Ice Box and I am hoping for some inspiration from my fellow cadavers.
Have you got any snappy slogans or anti-Betties taunts that you think would look good on a sheet of foam core with some glitter?? Post a comment! I am going to be working on signs this week end and next week. I am perfectly fine with the sheer cheese factor of all of this, the cheesier the better. I am planning on being one hell of a pep squad and am counting on my fellow cadaver for back up. Go Fight Fuckin Win! I even bought blue pom pons!
Send those cards and letters, I mean comments and ideas, boys and girls. Go Heathers!

Hugs and Kisses

Bad-ass Motorcycle Raffle by RCR and Latus Harley Davidson

The Rose City Rollers and Latus Harley Davidson (esteemed sponsor of our very own Heartless Heathers) are raffling a truly spankin' 2008 Harley Davidson Dyna Super Glide, with a custom paint job including the Rose City Rollers’ logo on the tail/fender.

Only 2,000 tickets will be sold, (word has it they are just flying out of roller girls' hands). Tickets are $20 each and are now available from the bold women of RCR.

The bike will be on display at the Aug. 9th Championship Bout, and will be awarded at halftime during the Sept 20th All-Star bout with Arizona Roller Derby. You do not need to be present to win.

Now stop drooling: it's unbecoming a grown adult such as yourself.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Q&A with D-Day of the Heartless Heathers

Skater Name: D-Day
Age: 32
Neighborhood: NE Portland
Beverage of choice: wine or celebratory champagne

I didn't see a bout until Season One, Bout Three, but I always assumed you were with RCR from the beginning. Is that right? How did that happen?

Yes, I joined about a month after RCR’s inception, I saw a tiny message in the Mercury looking for skaters. We used to skate in a parking garage below the old Grand Central Bowling Alley: no pads, no helmets, beer in hand.

Way back when, how did you choose to be a Heather?

The Heathers were and still are a motley bunch. I like to think of us as the leftovers of the league. The Guns and Rollers were the only clear established team on the league: they had their name, theme and players ready and organized first.

When the league finally had enough skaters to establish four solid teams, the Heartless Heathers were born. When we were deciding on a name. we wanted something intimidating and mean. We thought that the bitchy Heathers characters from that movie "Heathers" sounded ruthless, just what we were looking for. Our cold, icy theme was inspired by the Ice Queen on the Candyland boardgame: we thought she looked really cool. Vominatrix, Sol Train, Fire Crotch, Sump Pump, TeaKillya and myself played in the first Heartless Heathers game and we are still rollin'.

How long have you been skating on quads?

As a kid I went to the usual roller skating birthday party, that’s the extent of my past on quads. A chain of serendipitous events happened right before I joined RCR. A visiting friend from out of town gave me a pair of roller skates, then I saw the Starlight Express at the Schnitz (rollerskating Broadway show) and then I caught the Mercury ad soliciting skaters, I knew I had to go check it out.

You were known in season one as half of a legendary "wall" you regularly formed with Sol Train. I have a little video clip in which you and Sol were blocking and I can hear my friend Kurt exclaiming, "D-Day and Sol Train are like a wall! You can't get past them!" It was true, and there was that famous photo by Pasha of "The Iron Curtain." Obviously things have evolved since then, and the Heathers aren't so role-bound, and each player is a lot more versatile. What are your memories of back then versus your impressions of the way the Heathers are now?

I love the infamous "iron curtain" with my evil twin sister, Sol Train! We miss doing that together but this team doesn’t really need it anymore, our team has become so solid and well-rounded. Everybody makes great walls and skates a solid defense. Sol and I tend to get separated in lineups now but, we still get mistaken for each other on the track sometimes. This past year we have brought up a lot of new players, more people get play time which helps them improve and now we have a ton of jammers to rotate in our lineups. I think our team is stacked. Ha Ha- in more than one way.

You used to wear some below-the-knee fur leggings. Or were they? What were they? (We were all impressed).

Ahhhhh. My beloved furry booties! For my old uniform I was going for an icy, tundra, clan of the cave bear look. I might bust them out again…depends on how cold the Ice Box gets!

Do you have any opinion on the latest rule-set (WFTDA 3.0) and how it has changed the game? How has it changed your game?

The rules are constantly changing. Adjusting to new ones can be frustrating but this new era of derby is still very young and I feel like we are all getting through the kinks together. For me it's important that I don’t get hung up on a new rule and how consistently its enforced by refs, for example if it seems like a ref is calling it loose for some players and not for others, it's annoying but if I freak out about it I can lose focus.

Did you grow up around here? If not, where, and how did you get here?

I grew up in central California and lived in the mountains and the north bay area. I moved up here about 6 years ago when my Mister went back to school. We never left. Portland is a gem.

What are you occupied with outside of derby?

Well, it's not really outside of derby but I am one of the coaches for the Rosebuds, RCR’s jr roller derby. In my day job, I'm a social worker, mostly helping homeless people. When I have the time I like to grow stuff, make things, tramp around the woods, enjoy music and play with friends.

How did you choose your derby name?

An old teammate, Frostbite suggested D-Day. I had recently watched Animal House, in that movie D-Day is this goofy, quiet guy who rides around on his moterbike recklessly mowing over everything and destroying the house. I wanted to be like him in a pack.

Also the historic roots of such a bloody, infamous day seemed inline with the fear I wanted to instill in my opponents. Plus, I'm a peacenik so it's funny. The name just fit for so many reasons.

You have competed with the Wheels of Justice in national bouts. In what ways does national-level play differ from intra-league play?

Intra-league play is fun because you develop rivalries with others, watch skaters and teams develop their game over time, and you see loyal fans for all the teams cheering. It's intimate and it feels like a big fat family feud.

Playing against a team in another city is different in that you don’t know what to expect. You will hear about those larger than life superstars in the rumor mill but sometimes it's inaccurate or exaggerated. The reality is that most everybody on high-ranked league travel-teams are good players. What I really like are the surprises, who is the hot head on their team? Who is the bruiser, the rodeo clown, the sly one? It's always a surprise. You are not underestimating or overestimating another skater.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Docket

This coming Saturday (Aug 2) is action packed, by god:

Latest word on The Funky Four Plus One More's excellent Flugtag adventure, via MySpace:

Come support the Rose City Rollers in this year’s Red Bull Flugtag competition! This Saturday from 1-3 PM at Waterfront Park near the Hawthorne Bridge. We “fly” around 2 PM in our giant flying roller skate! Our team name is Funky Four Plus One More. For more information, visit or

If you cannot make it to watch on Saturday, simply text “Team 29” to 72855 from 11 AM- 3 PM PST on Saturday! Help us with Crowd Favorite. We need about 10,000 votes to win!

Go support them: they're doing spectacular stuff.


Starting at the same time, but going later into the weekend, is Rogue’s 14th Annual Bones and Brew Festival. Heathers are pouring beer, and proceeds benefit the magnificent Oregon Zoo.

Where and when: NW 15th Avenue between Everett and Glisan and on Flanders between 14th and 15th. Hours are Saturday, August 2nd from 11am-9pm, and Sunday, August 3rd from 11am-7pm. A $3 donation is requested at the door. Dogs and Kids are welcome.


Cheap Ticket Night for that August 9 championship bout is coming up on Wednesday, August 6th at the following locations from 7-9 PM:

Rogue Brew Pub
1339 NW Flanders

118 NE 28th

Nightlight Lounge
2100 SE Clinton

Kay's Bar
6903 SE Milwaukie

Get some discount tickets from RCR players and quaff a pint or down a shot at one of the fine above-listed establishments.


Lotta people off to Rollercon in the loathsome hole popularly known as Las Vegas, 07/30 - 08/03. Bring back your pics and clips and one of those "Roll Out with Your Hole Out" shirts, men's large, and we'll make a feeble attempt at making it worth your while. For those about to rock, we salute you.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Q&A with Ginger Binger of the Heartless Heathers

Skater Name: Ginger Binger
Age: 27
Neighborhood: Vantucky
Beverage of choice: Beer (Guinness or Hamms)
Heartless Heather for 4 months

photo by Meghan Gilligan

You're one of the newer Heathers. What is your skating history, how did you get involved in the Rose City Rollers, and what finally brought you to the Heartless Heathers?

I used to couples-skate to 'Pour some Sugar on me' at Roller Towne in my hometown. I spent several years breaking myself on a skateboard. I've always been active and Roller Derby seemed like the sport for me. After repeatedly missing them, I finally made it to the January tryouts, made Fresh Meat and was drafted to the Heathers in April.

How has your role with the team evolved since you first
hit the track?

I was shocked that I was drafted after only 3 months on Fresh Meat. I thought I needed to learn so much more before I made a team, so I was nervous and uncertain of myself. Intense practices, phenomenal teamwork, and time have made me MUCH more comfortable skating with my team.

How do you see your team's prospects in the championship bout against the Betties?

It is going to be an intense game. I think the teams are a good skills match and we both have different techniques and strategies on the track. Of course I believe in our ability more because of our strength of teamwork, but it will not be a cakewalk.

How did you choose your derby name?

I couldn't decide between a bunch and a friend just walked into a party where I was, heard I played derby, and rattled Ginger Binger off. I'm a redhead who drinks a lot of beer. It fit and I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's a love/hate relationship. When I'm on the wagon I feel like a fraud.

Is there something you would like to stress to fans that you think we might be oblivious to?

I think some fans may not be aware of the sheer hours we put into training and the fact that we do it purely for the love of the sport. Also, some folks coming for the WWF style skating of the 70s may not understand the role of strategy their first few bouts. There is much more to derby than knocking people down. That said, knocking people down feels really good.

How do you find time for it all?

I don't always. I get burned out. Sometimes I have to step back and reassess. I try and keep my mister happy, I can't let derby jeopardize that relationship. I just joined Axles of Annihilation. It will be interesting to see how the extra committment works when I go back to work.

Did you grow up around here? If not, where, and how did you get here?

I grew up in California and moved here four years ago after finishing college. My mister and I were done with school and over our current situation. We wanted to stay in the Northwest and we liked Portland more than Seattle, for living at least.

What are you occupied with outside of derby?

Outside of derby? What do you mean? There is not life outside of derby!! Really though, I teach high school English, have a husband, two dogs and a cat. I swim, read, go to concerts.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Saturday Heathers Googling

Roller Derby Week on Comcast Sportsnet, Jul 28 - Aug 3. So says Willy Week, with some old footage at the link (Cock Blocker speaks!).

I don't have cable, so tell me if it's any good. Apparently some RCR footage is in the mix. Bummed about no LA T-Birds.

In other Heathers Googling for the week, this just sucks. I hope she gets that big-assed truck and her skates back. Kind of hard for a car thief to be inconspicuous in that vehicle.

Excellent article about the Funky Four Plus One More and their flying roller skate in the Jewish Review.

RCR photos by Douglas Remington, Chris Barnes, and Steve Price will be on display at Walters Cultural Arts Center in Hillsboro, August 5 - 27, says the Forest Grove News Times. Take the Max out to Hillsboro and see some art.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Get Tickets Early and Often

Championship bout tickets on-line, just one of the many splendid options. Judging from the number of people (including many new people) I know who are going, I predict an early sell-out for this bruising, double-headed thriller.

And remember: no parking on the dance floor.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Meet the Cadaver: grunt

cadaver name: grunt
age: 27
neighborhood: The Land of Canucks!
beverage of choice: Any thing with hops. Too many to choose from. In Canada: Sleeman's Honey Brown Lager nad in USA: Pyramid Weizen
Heathers fan for: 1 1/2 years (well maybe 3, I just didn't know Goodie was a Heather (although at the time she might not have been)

You live in BC, correct? Do you come down often for Portland Roller Derby?

I do live in BC. Last year, I think I caught at least 3 bouts from September to November. This year it's been a little busy, but I'm trying to make it down there!

Tell us about your own league and team. How long have you been at Roller Derby, what got you into it, and how is it all going for you?

I skate with the Terminal City Rollergirls. My team are the Riot Girls, currently undefeated in our first season skating together. I've been a derby girl since January 2006, a founding member of TCRG. I caught the A&E Rollergirls show and googled to see if there was anything going on and I came across's Pink Forum. All sorts of skating related information there, as well as a call out for interested derby skaters back in '06. This season is going pretty good, we've also released the names of the skaters who have made the TCRG travel team which I am proud to say I am a part of.

How did you become a loyal Heathers fan?

In July of 2007, a group of Heathers came to BC to scrimmage with our league. I think no matter what, the Heathers will always be a favourite of any Terminal City league members that were around at that time. Whether it be tips on how to make the perfect hit - timing and precision key! Or how to have as much fun as possible, even if they did get lost in Downtown Vancouver... What I think really cements it for me is when a group of us came down and a small group of the Heathers' Misters hung out with us pre-bout. Made sure we were taken care of and really told us how to behave in the Box!

Do you have any favorite moments from bouts past?

Honestly I can't pin-point a key favourite moment. It could be a great hit or a jammer getting by the opposing blockers. I just love when the Heathers come together and work as a team! ok, I do have to say any time Goodie skates - be it jamming or blocking - is just awesome to watch.

What words of inspiration or advice do you have to offer to the Heathers as they prepare for their upcoming epic battle with the Breakneck Betties?

They should know that Terminal City is sending some bruising hits the Betties' way. To rock them hard and know that it's the HHMF 2008 Champions!

Vid by Fire Crotch and Doc Holiday of Goodie and D-Day bound by hula hoop on quads during the Heathers' legendary Vancouver visit. Hat Tip to D-Day for the link.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Docket

Fire Crotch lays a trail and X2Z blazes it.

Here's the doin's:

07/26/08 - Emerald City Roller Girls in Eugene, OR, feature two bouts, doors opening at 5, with ECRG's Church of Sk8tin (HH's Isabell Ringer helping out on the bench) vs. thee Rainy City Roller Dolls abutted to an intra-league conflict wtih thee Andromedolls facing thee Flat Track Fury.

08/02/08 - Flugtag - Visit The Funky 4 Plus 1 More's website, make a donation to the Sherie Hildreth Ovarian Cancer Foundation, get thine behind down to the banks of the Willamette this day as Teq "Kill" Ya, Sol Train, No Namey, the esteemed Rectifier of High Rollers fame, and their minion Kevlar Reinforcement launch a giant roller-skate-shaped craft, piloted by noble Sol Train, into the murk of the river. We hope Sol Train has had all of her shots.

08/02/08 - Heartless Heathers are working at Rogue’s 14th Annual Bones and Brew Festival! Says a Heather, "This is arguably the most fun fundraiser we do and a great activity after Flugtag! Come down to NW 14th and Flanders, try some BBQ and have a fresh NW beer poured by your favorite Heather! Proceeds benefit The Oregon Zoo."

Bones and Brew takes place on NW 15th Avenue between Everett and Glisan and on Flanders between 14th and 15th. Hours are Saturday, August 2nd from 11am-9pm, and Sunday, August 3rd from 11am-7pm. A $3 donation is requested at the door. Dogs and Kids are welcome.

07/30-08 - 08/03/08 - Rollercon. Big annual event. Many Heathers, Many RCR girls going. Go, Team Awesome!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Musical Interlude

Because it's about time we all learned the words.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Quad Nationals Update: Ringer takes home the Bronze!!!

After 2 third place and a second place finish, Ringer took the Bronze in the overall Masters Women's Quad Speed National competition yesterday in Lincoln Nebraska!

It was an all derby podium this year, with a jammer from TXRG winning the gold and a one from Indiana taking the Silver.

BTW, since Ringer was officially skating for "Oak's Speed", be sure to look for her picture enshrined in Oak's Rink trophy case. NS, I was there when they took the photo for the case. In all her lycra glory...

Crappy photo of Ringer in 1000m, Pershing Center NE

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Oof: Rose City falls to Philly, 87-104

Must have been a spectaular bout. Way to battle it out, Wheels of Justice.

Safe travels home.

Hellooooo Nurse!

A few months ago, I was riding my bike around the neighborhood and almost had a wreck when I spied a familiar white uniform hanging up in the window of a vehicle about a block from my house. “Holy crap!! That is Nurse Ratched’s uniform!”

I couldn’t believe that she could actually be my neighbor, so I rode by again a few days later. Same vehicle, Heartless Heather’s sticker on the window and the uniform hanging up in the back, it was true, she lived in my neighborhood. The Nurse Ratched is my neighbor.

Of course this didn’t mean I actually did something “normal” and “neighborly” and introduce myself. I chose to semi-stalk her. I would drive by and notice if her vehicle was there and hope for an actual Nurse Ratched sighting. Not that I would know what she would look like in street clothes, I guess in my twisted little mind she hung out around the hood in the white uniform.

Very recently (last bout) I got up the nerve to introduce my lame-ass self to my famous neighbor and was delighted to discover she was also named Heather. (I swear the COOLEST girls ever are named Heather!) I had the pleasure of hanging out with her recently and between derby decorating ideas, I got a chance to get to know her for real.

The first burning question in my mind was if she was really a nurse? Well, no, but she does work in the medical field as an ER Tech so she sees all sorts of fabulous goo, guts and gore. As a complete medical blog junkie, I was thrilled to find this out and begged for a juicy ER story. I won’t EVEN attempt to retell it but will say it involved catheterization and bodily fluids that didn’t belong to the body in question. EWWWWW!! I was in creepy-medical-story heaven!

We also talked about music. Holy crap! I was completely agog at her summer schedule!
The girl does some traveling! Heather is a major music supporter, “girl and guitar” being her genre of choice. She opened my ears up to some great music I had been missing out on. Brandi Carlile and Adele are definitely finding their way onto my iTunes now.

Another fascinating feature (I had a hard time not staring) is her gorgeous tattoo of Saint Benedict. I thought it was Saint Francis, but no Saint Benedict, patron saint of a happy death. I have a bit of an odd obsession with saints. It is an odd obsession because I am not catholic, not religious at all. I am just fascinated by the lives and histories of the saints, so this tattoo was particularly fascinating to me. I really wanted to ask more questions about it, but it seemed too forward for a first “date.” I looked him up though and he is also the patron saint of kidney disease, nettle rash, school children and spelunkers.

We talked about my car and her Vesper, the Silver Bullet. She did a cross-country trip on it. Literally coast to coast, Pacific City, OR to Coney Island, NY. We talked about my kid and my husband. We talked about the neighbor’s barky damn dogs and the traffic noise on Woodstock. We laughed about aging hipsters at punk-rock-come-back-shows (OMG I am one of those aging hipsters! SIGH!) It was an evening spent hanging out with a kindred spirit.

Sadly Nurse Ratched and I will not be neighbors for much longer, she is leaving Felony Flats for another hood. At least we will always have the Ice Box.

Congratulations to Rhoda Killer and Mr. Killer.

Many happy returns.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Live video feed of 2008 Indoor Speed Skating National Championships

Clicky here; It really works, the announcer has a most mellifluous voice, and they play weird pop music on the breaks.

There. Now you can get up at 4:30 tomorrow morning to watch Ringer skate.

Events schedule here (pdf, scroll way down to Saturday the 19th).

UPDATE: 07/19/08 - Now they tell us:: "Quads will not be broadcast."


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Docket

Viagrrra Falls laps the pack yet again, as Fire Crotch menaces November Pain (actually, it looks as though those two are having a nice chat). - photo by Steve Price.

Here's the doin's:

7/19 - Wheels of Justice (Portland, Oregon's nationally ranked travel team) vs Philadelphia's Liberty Belles in Philadelphia.

Heathers on the Wheels of Justice, vying to qualify for Nationals, to be held right here in Portland in November 2008: Vominatrix, Fire Crotch, Goodie Two Skates & Scratcher in the Eye.

7/19 - Isabell Ringer, hot on the heels of her two golds at the Oregon Games last weekend, will be blazing past the standers-by at Quad Nationals (speed skating in quads), in Lincoln, NE. Her competition starts at 5:30 a.m. Ouch. But the link above promises some live video. We must investigate.

7/19 - Rhoda Killer gets hitched.

7/20 - Ringer's birthday. Neil Armstrong moonwalk anniversary.

7/26 - Emerald City Roller Girls bout in Eugene - Ringer will be there helping the Church of Sk8tin on their bench. They go up against Rainy City (Washington start-up league with some former members of the Oly Rollers).

8/2 - Flugtag - Visit The Funky 4 Plus 1 More's website, make a donation to the Sherie Hildreth Ovarian Cancer Foundation, get thine behind down to the banks of the Willamette this day as Teq "Kill" Ya, Sol Train, No Namey, the esteemed Rectifier of High Rollers fame, and their minion Kevlar Reinforcement launch a giant roller-skate-shaped craft, piloted by noble Sol Train, into the murk of the river. We hope Sol Train has had all of her shots.

7/30-8/3 - Rollercon. Big annual event. Loads of Heathers going. Jam out with your clam out, as the young people say nowadays. Keep a journal. Upload incriminating video.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Musical Interlude

Monday, July 14, 2008

Meet the Cadaver: JeLLyPiG

cadaver name JeLLyPiG
age: 44
neighborhood: Hawthorne
beverage of choice: Anything priced below $5.26 a glass…and alcoholic
Heathers fan for: 2+ years

Q. How did you get started going to Portland Roller Derby?

I actually don’t remember how I heard about the Rose City Rollers, only that they had already had one bout and that I already missed it. I do remember telling my then fiancĂ©e, “there is Roller Derby in town and we’re going!” She promptly replied with a look of hesitation and the long wind-up response “Mmm…yeah…that kind of sounds like a boy’s night out…doesn’t it?” Sounds good…but I didn’t really have any “boys” to night with. So, some emails, voicemails and a few text messages later I had enough half-assed commitments to go out and buy four tickets knowing that I would fill the seats.

So the four of us, rapidly approaching or already in the midst of middle age, jaded cynics assembled, picked a DD (a Designated Driver… not a Derby Drunk) and headed out to the Expo Center for some roller derby action. I remember walking into “Season 1 Bout 2” thinking this is the shit! All of us had goofy grins, the spark of excitement in our eyes and that whole “this is cool” head bobbing thing. Beers were in order!

That first bout was cool because I had no allegiances, didn’t know anyone connected to derby, it was all fresh for me and I could just sit back and take it all in and I did, along with about 80 bucks in beer (I scored the ticket so I wasn’t in the drawing for the DD prize).

The basic rules of the game I understood, having watched roller derby on TV as a kid and the two odd bouts I saw with some random traveling teams at the Junior High Gym in my hometown of Nowhere Oregon back in the early 70’s. This new derby was different, it seemed more real to me and the event itself had some crazy energy and I was getting hooked. One of the guys asked if they had season tickets and all us were talking about what blast it was to watch and how we would definitely be going to all the bouts.

I remember thinking and then telling everyone “It’s the most Punk Rock thing I have been a part of in years”. And there is the key to my addiction, I saw and still see myself as being a part of “it”. From that point forward it was all bout derby for me.

Of that original foursome, I was the only one to make going to every bout a near reality. Oh they hit the odd bout here and there, usually with me…since I have two season tickets they are stuck as the designated driver. Sucks to be them!

Q. Why did you become a Heathers fan and what keeps you coming back to the Ice Box?

Since I had no real connections to the league beyond the love of the game when it started, no friends, friends of friends or some coworker’s sister playing on a team, I spent the first few bouts just watching and cheering randomly for crushing blocks and various rallying jammers. Eventually there were a few players I really enjoyed watching and some were Heathers. The lynchpin in my choice of teams was when Goodie Two Skates finally joined the roster.

I took major crap from my teenage daughter, a part time GnR fan, for “jumping on the winning team bandwagon” and in ’06 that argument could be made, but it's bollocks. The Heathers had and still have not only my top three all time favorite RCR players but a host of other wickedly talented players, win or lose. So now I would bleed Heathers blue if I even had a heart.

As for chillin' in the Ice Box, shit I don’t even sit there. I have this elaborate theory about the best viewing spot for big moves through the pack and where the best blocking crashes happen. Though the Ice Box is the coolest seat in the house (especially on those hot May bout nights) I need to watch the damn game AND have easy access to the beer trailers.

Q. Did you make those "Posse" graphics that slide across your MySpace page? Whose posse are you in? Who are your top Heathers and why?

Am I under oath? Um…those are scans of stickers that I…aw…”found” yeah found, on the rough and tumble streets of East Portland. A nice clean cut guy like me would have nothing to do with the nefarious Derby Drunks art crimes through out this fine city of roses. It is just a crazy coincidence that the first three “Posse” stickers happen to be not only my favorite Heathers, but my all time favourite Rose City Rollers. (I spelled it all Canadian that last time in case any Terminal City Roller Girls read this, eh?).

Seriously, Goodie Two Skates (G2S), Vominatrix and Sol Train are a pleasure to watch every bout. “Why?” Well, they are all quite different players in execution and style but with the Star, the Stripe or in the pack, they can be effective in all the positions. They are the treasured utility players of the sport, hard working, consistent and entertaining.

Goodie is not afraid to be a goofball and a hardass usually within the same jam. You can tell she is having fun. I love her arm moves, when she noses in front of the some skater she has been jockeying for position with she gets an inch of edge and sticks her arms out like she is “just stretching out…no foul here”. Or her “It’s the Cops!” move, when she is deep in the pack and bearing down on a skater, close to making contact from behind, her arms go straight up, she glances at the refs and attempts to look innocent. She says she’s “In it for Grin, Not the Win” and that’s no bullshit because even though she plays for keeps out there you can tell she is loving what she doing and I can’t help but root for her.

Vominatrix like G2S is clearly having so much fun and it’s great to watch. She’s got that long lanky body, sort of a praying mantis in a crazy outfit with skates but capable of great speed. She knows how block in the pack, how feed the opponent what looks like an open passing lane only to shut them down when they make their move and I laugh my ass off every time she does it.

Sol Train, well…SOL TRAIN! Here is a player that does an amazing job controlling the pack as a pivot, skates smart and tough as a blocker and has this uncanny way of seeing the line she needs to skate and cutting though the pack as a jammer. How do you NOT love that shit? The little engine than can and does.

Now, if you skate in any roller derby league, you have my utmost respect, if you are a Rose City Roller you have my admiration and if you’re a Heather, well you have my heart. These ladies are huge part of why I became a hardcore derby fan.

Q. Do you have any favorite moments from bouts past?

You mean like when I tried to hug uber-volunteer Johnny Franco? Or the bout I was obsessed with stealing a VIP seating sign for my office? Or maybe the bout when G2S was in the penalty box? Wait… that happens EVERY bout!

Actually, there have been some great moments over the years and they sort of all meld together. That might a result of the beers…

Q. What words of inspiration or advice do you, hardest of the hardcore fans, have to offer to the Heathers as they prepare for their upcoming epic battle with the Breakneck Betties?

Win…Win damn it!

Let’s face it, the Heathers know what they need to do and come August 9th they just need to execute it. We are talking about a team with great skill, poise and seasoned players. My advice would only be the ramblings of some drunken fan, so here we go!

Get in there heads early and take their game away from them.

Shutdown Ava: she’s not their only scorer but she is a key component. That crazy butt block that knocked on her ass the last bout seemed to throw her game off. Lock up Domesticated Violence early on because in the pack she has some great moves but she loses focus when she can’t skate her game. And Rhea…shit Rhea…do not let her get De Ranged!

Skate hard, skate fast, skate as team and leave a wake of red in your trail. We are with you…you’ll hear us out there:

Hea…thers! Hea…thers! Hea…thers! Hea…thers! Hea…thers! Hea…thers! Hea…thers! Hea…thers!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Two Golds for Ringer at Oregon Games.

The Mad Nader, elevated from comments:

Hey Ringer, were these the skates that helped propel you to two gold medals in speed skating at the Oregon Games this past weekend?

Actually, I think I know the answer, I was just looking for an excuse to give you some recognition - Congratulations!

Before she had status and before she had a pager:

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Friday, July 11, 2008

Friday Skate Blogging

Isabell Ringer has some brand new skates, though she is not too pleased that the cell-phone pics we badgered out of her fail to show the full splendor of this estimable rig. Nevertheless:

Vegans needn't read further.

An upgraded version of Bont's all conquering quad boot of the 80's. The boot features a very high grade Australian cow hide outer skin with an extremely soft deer skin liner. The boot has the retro look and feel but the added technology of a fully heat moldable carbon composite base.


10:32 a.m. Update: Here's a digital shot of them and all their pulchritude -

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Breaking: New Heather - She-Rex!

Details soon.

Congratumalations, She-Rex and Heathers!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

The Docket (Upcoming Events, Happenings)

photo by Chris Barnes.

RCR Wheels of Justice Skate-a-thon is this weekend, Saturday, July 12th, 11 a.m. starting at Oaks Park, to be specific. Pledge some cash to a Portland All-Star skater to assist with essential travel expenses to Philadelphia (the one in Pennsylvania) for a nationally qualifying bout. Step up and sponsor, patriots!

7/12 - Ringer, Oregon games - speed skating competition: Powell Valley Elementary (there is a banked track out back) 4825 E Powell Road, Gresham OR. Ms. Ringer is competing in the quad division. Competitions start at noon.

7/12 - The Heathers are feting the three Heathers brides with a river boat party. (Private party, not open to the public, so step back from that velvet rope, you miserable curs).

7/13 - Wheels of Justice garage sale, to help the Portland travel team get their knockin' boots out to Philadelphia, where they will smoke some fine Philly ass. Because that's how WOJ operates. And because smoked ass is a delicacy in the city of brotherly love. Because. Just because.

Oh, hey, and li'l mention of RCR in the July 3 Portland Tribune. I missed it because I don't generally read Mr. Pamplin's rag.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Meet the Cadaver: MercGirl

Cadaver Name: MercGirl
Age: 39 and 10/12ths
Neighborhood: Felony Flats
Beverage of Choice: Metro Mint Chocolate Mint Water
Misc: Driver of the coolest big pink car ever. Cubicle slave M-F.
Cadaver for 2 Years

Q.You actually tried out for Roller Derby way back when it was starting, didn't you? What are your memories of all that, and what derailed your plans?

I actually planned to try out last winter. I had wanted to try out since the very beginning and it took me that long to work up the guts to do it. I was unemployed last winter and spent several days a week skating at Oaks getting ready to try out.

When the January pre-tryout clinic rolled around, I felt pretty good about my basic skating skills and endurance. I showed up at the hanger, nervous as HELL with all the proper gear. I managed to do about two laps around the track before I fell hard on my ass. I hurt BAD. I got up fast and refused to show any reaction to the pain. I kept skating through the entire clinic (about 2 hours) learning to fall and stuff. When it was nearly over I told Judge Mental what had happened. I was hurting bad by that point. She advised that I take some time off, ice my butt and possibly see a doctor.

I drove home in excruciating pain. My husband was not too happy with the state of me when I got home and tried to get me to take my sorry ass to the hospital. I refused to go, of course. (I am an idiot.) I did see my doctor later and she confirmed that my tail bone was cracked and the only thing to do was let it heal and sit on a donut pillow. I had already had to have fluid drained off my knee from falling down at Oaks one too many times, my back is not the greatest, now my butt was broken. I was starting to get the idea that maybe I was a better Cadaver than skater.

It was hard to accept at first, but I am okay with it now. I have hopes of helping Nurse Ratchet (my neighbor) decorate for the Championship Bout and make signs. I still have to sit on the donut pillow in the Ice Box (the bleachers suck.) I made a stylish skull print cover for it.

Q.How did you start as a Heathers fan, and what keeps you coming back to the Ice Box?

I am a Heather, it was a given at first, but I stay because I LOVE the team. Everyone Heather I have met has been wonderful, beautiful and gracious. I am enamored with each and every one of them.

Q. Do you have any favorite moments from bouts past?

Most recently it was seeing the Heathers come back and beat G-n-R at the last bout. That new rule was maddening and I was really sweating that score first half.

Q.Which Heather do you revere most, and why?

Got to be Goodie. We are a couple of months apart in age and she was my major inspiration for finally trying to try out. We seem to have many things in common. Oh, and holy hell can that woman skate.

Q.You and your daughter Hannah (bassist for Portland's own Monster-Sized Monsters), usually attend pretty well decked out in Heathers colors and gear. And you do a lot of skating together. Does Hannah have a derby future?

We do plan our derby outfits. Gotta sport the team colors. I own more blue items now than I have ever in my lifetime. Sadly Hannah will not be at the Championship bout with me, her band is going on tour. I will be lost with out her, but I will send her text updates of the score. We do skate together quite often. Not as much as we would like. Life gets in the way of fun. She is actually working at Oaks this summer as a ride operator.

Hannah is determined to try out as soon as she is old enough. She just turned 19. The Rosebuds starting this year kinda bummed her out because she is too old for them and too your for RCR. Only 2 more years.

Q.You're also a big High Rollers fan. How do you cope with the inevitable inner turmoil when the Heathers and the High Rollers face one another?

I stress, I toss, I turn. I just have to know that the HRMF know that I love them and deal with the inner turmoil. I own a LOT of green too.

Q. Any words of wisdom or inspiration for the Heathers in the run-up to their epic championship battle with the Breakneck Betties?

Kick their prissy asses.

Another Reason Not to Drink My Water

Marriage appears to be contagious on the Heartless Heathers (and in the league in general) this season, with three Heathers tying the proverbial knot between May and August.

Tara Heartout was the first to go. She married Mr. Heartout (Keith) in Chicago on May 17th before returning to Portland for a second reception with the Heathers. According to Ms. Heartout, it didn't feel official until she had celebrated with her team. Tara's lovely reception at McMenamin's Edgefield included a rented photo booth that printed any and all obscene photos that the Heathers posed for.

On July 19th, Rhoda Killer will marry longtime boyfriend Mr. Killer (Eric) in Stevenson, Washington. One of Ms. Killer's three bridesmaids will be best friend and teammate Apocalipstick, who is also providing the wedding cupcakes with generous help from Mobi-Wan Kenobi. Unfortunately, the league scheduled a travel team bout in Philadelphia the very same day, so a few Heathers will be unable to attend, but they will surely be there in spirit.

Apocalipstick is set to marry Mr. Apoc (better known as DJ Bobby) the weekend after the Championship Bout, because, well, the date seemed like a good idea at the time. Due to its proximity to the bout, the bride has a tendency to respond, "black and blue" when guests inquire about the wedding colors. Apoc's wedding will be officiated by league photographer Skippy Steve, with flowers provided by close friend and ex-High Roller Wetback Attack, and makeup provided by teammate Viagrrra Falls.

I assure you, dear reader, that while we hit hard and sweat harder on the track, we clean up nice.

Welcome, Heartless Heathers, Heathers fans, and Roller Derby affiliates

This is the blog of the Heartless Heathers, that most fearsome team from Portland's Rose City Rollers derby league. Let us now praise them to the skies.

One short month from now, The Heartless Heathers will skate to reclaim the Rose City Rollers Championship, and they aim to put that winning streak of the Break Neck Betties onto the autopsy table for a perfunctory examination and a swift goodbye.

Heathers Co-captain Isabell Ringer recently had this to say about her team's prospects at the upcoming championship bout: "We are going to KICK ASS AUG 9TH!!! The team is looking great, doing great and having fun together! Noz is now our coach (Noz: Um... that's "Kick Ass Coach", ma'am. Anyone that can get Vominatrix to vomit at practice deserves the "Kick Ass" in front of their title.), it's been awesome, having him help lead practice allows the leaders of the team to be able to skate rather than run drills."

Ringer also unveiled the latest Heathers line-up, describing a team composed of a healthy mix of seasoned derby legends and strong new skaters, all players hell-bent on bringing the big Rose City championship back home to the Heathers:

Slaybia (captain)
Fire Crotch
Sol Train
Teq "Kill" Ya
Izabell Ringer (Co-Captain)
Rhoda Killer
Scratcher in the Eye
Goodie Two Skates
Viagrrra Falls
No Namey
Ginger Binger - NEW!! (as of April 2008)
Sump Pump
Mobi-wan Kenobi- NEW!! (as of April 2008)

Tara Heartout (retired but still involved with the team)
Noz - Coach
Willful Miss Conduct - Den Mom
Nurse Ratched -Mascot
BarFly - retired but still helping out with the team & league/Den Mom PLUS!!!

Kick it around in the comments section! Fans, get your questions answered and your voices heard by the very people who make derby happen. Skaters, let your admirers know what's on your mind and what you're up to, both inside of outside of derby.

Thanks for coming by. Let the cartoons begin!