Thursday, May 28, 2009

Tickets on Sale for the Heathers v. HRMF Semi-final bout

Get some here and bring your slacking Cadaver buddies along to help you support the Heathers in their quest for the 2009 Championship.


The Docket

Here's the doin's:

Saturday, May 30, 2009 -

High Rollers Fan Appreciation schmoozefest at Beulahland around 8 p.m. Some of the girls in green will be there to rub and bend elbows with you. I'll be out of town, but tell Dancing Scott I said hi.

And once again it's the Rose Festival Starlight Parade. Should be a nice night for you and a quarter million others to watch a contingent of Rose City Rollers skate the streets of Portland in the big parade.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Buds pack a punch, but fall short on points

Faced with a long weekend made even longer by no derby, My fasha (Jellypig) and I made the drive down to Springfield to see the Rosebuds play the The Emerald City Gems. The bout was a chance to vindicate their loss to the Gems at the Bubblegum Rumble on April 26th. Unfortunately, the score ended up 72 Rosebuds to 110 Gems.

The Gems appeared to be smaller in size but they were definitely quick and agile. In beginning they were a little shaky because they usually practice a modified contact game, as the Rosebuds demonstrated in a mini-scrimmage before the bout began. However, they quickly became used to full contact and closed the point gap.Once the Gems established the lead they basically maintained it for the balance of the bout. Psycho-Crash of the Gems was a star jammer and blocker. Props also have to go to Gems, Twilight Temptation and Spider Lash for their jamming skills.

The Rosebuds were plagued with penalties, track cutting being the biggest and most damaging of the bunch. I believe this is partly due to the track which was a sport court with multiple lines including basketball lines and the yellow tape outlining the inside of the track had a tendency to blend in with the floor if the jammer was not paying attention. They also struggled with pack control, missing some opportunities to split the pack and score some points. The Gems also strung them out several times which allowed the Gems jammer an easy line through.

That being said, there were several Buds highlights and stand out players.

Kimora Lee Sinnin' has to get props for her blocking skills. She not only engages some great blocks but finishes those blocks, riding the opponent out.

Heff Her Up was an amazing blocker, not only did she set up the blocks well but she baits the opposition, then takes them out with authority. You can almost see the smile on her face when she does. She's definitely the bad ass of the bunch, she reminds me of a young Sol Train.

Braidy Punch is probably one of the best all around skaters whether shes wearing the stripe, sporting the star or blocking in the pack she does it all really well. She is the most creative jammer in the team, she's finds her hole and punches her way through. Hopefully, she's still in Portland in 5 years because she'd look really good in blue.

Despite the loss, the Rosebuds should be damn proud of the bout they skated. Every player out there did a great job and frankly, the level of play is reminiscent of where their bigger counterparts were in the first season.

If you are a true fan of the sport you owe it to your self to check out a Buds bout sometime soon.

(JeLLyPiG: Since this was a Jr. bout, I thought it only fitting to have my Jr. Derby partner write the post.)

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Sump Pump sighting!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Derby is a Force that Gives Us Meaning

Last summer, Elwood Bruise at All Bout Derby gave his readers the opportunity to do guest posts, and I came up with this rather scattered screed which became the catalyst for the launch of the Coroner's Inquest (this here blog that you're reading right now) in July 2008.

Izabell Ringer, whose name I misspelled in the very first post of the Coroner's Inquest, had read my rant at ABD and had emailed me suggesting I manage the Heathers blog. I had mentioned to her earlier in the year, at a Heathers scrimmage against Rainy City, how much I missed the Toe Tag newsletters by the legendary Blue Face, so I reckoned, when she gave me the opportunity to try to pick up where Blue Face left off, that it was time to put up or shut up.

Funny to look back at the All Bout Derby post, see what was prophetic, what is ironic, and what remains to be done in building a better team blog, engaging fans and skaters, and keeping everyone better informed.

And it's great to see other teams following suit: The High Rollers now have a great, very fun web site, G'n'R have also very recently started their blog. Most everyone in the league is represented on Facebook (where the Heathers had the first intraleague fan page), and you can now follow RCR on Twitter.

At the Coroner's Inquest, we have a great crew of Heathers, Heathers affiliates, former skaters, and fans who have pitched in to make this a good outpost on the web for the team and for its beloved Cadavers.

And now we are going into that championship season yet again, and we're going to add some juice, ask a little bit more, and give a little bit more on the blog to boost this team.

Thanks for joining us.

Heathers Por Vida!

Photo by Axle Adams

The Docket

Here's the doin's:

The Rosebuds take on the Emerald City Junior Gems, this Saturday, May 23, 5 p.m. at the Regional Sports Center in Springfield (32nd and Main). Only five bucks!

And closer to home (three blocks from my house, in fact: within stumbling distance!) Saturday night from 9 p.m. until 2:00 the next morning, "It's a Rock Show!" benefit for the Wheels of Justice at the Know, 2026 NE Alberta in Portland.

From the Ministry of Information:

"Thundering Asteroids (9pm)
Mean Jeans (10pm)
DJs Rob Lobster and Sir Render
Rollergirl Auction, Antics and Mayhem. All. Night. Long.
$5-10 sliding scale.
All proceeds go towards the Wheel of Justice Travel Fund.

Should be special, exotic, and rare. Go give love and money.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Newest Heather: Butcher Block!

From Captain Slaybia:

Cadavers, please welcome the newest addition to the Heartless Heathers, Butcher Block!

Butcher joined the RCR Fresh Meat team in January and due to her hard work and dedication was drafted by us this month. You may have seen her skating in her debut bout on Saturday - tall, long legs and solid (Firecrotch in training).

Outside of derby Butcher is a mother, a diversified athlete, a lefty and a liberal so she fits right in with us wacky Heathers.

The team is very excited to have her and we can't wait to see her grow and progress with us!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Fare Thee Well, Apocalipstick

Sad news indeed that Apocalipstick has left the roster.

She and the team have been through a lot of history, both
personal and otherwise, together. She has been a stawlart from early in Season One, skating with two Heathers championship teams.

We will miss one of the most memorable figures of the Rose City Rollers, and hope she will not be a stranger.

New Guns 'n' Rollers Blog!

Right here!

Go give 'em some love in the comments!

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Semifinal Matchups

High Rollers v. Heartless Heathers, June 6.

G'n'R v. Break Neck Betties, June 13.

Championship at Expo, June 27

From the Ministry of Information:

Our home teams have never been as competitive as they are this season! With the Heathers and the Betties winning 2 and losing 1 so far this season, and the High Rollers and GnR both with 1 win and 2 losses, many fans are scratching their heads trying to figure out the rankings.

It all came down to the point differentials at last Saturday's bout against the GnR and the Betties. Our beloved stats "geek" has crunched the numbers and it's been determined that the Heathers will play the High Rollers June 6th and the GnR will get another shot at the Betties June 13th.

Who will play who at the Championships at the Expo on June 27th? That's still anybody's guess...

Break Neck Betties 134, Guns N Rollers 73

My favorite things the bout were meeting Mrs. JeLLyPiG, all the laughs to be had by sitting in front of the bellowing Harmacist (in Harm's way, as it were), watching Rhea DeRange jam, and birthday boy Kurt getting to be Smackya's waterboy for the evening.

I was saddened that G'n'R didn't mount a cohesive defensive strategy, but enjoyed, as always, watching Viva Vendetta put down some great blocks and hits.

See you in the comments, and HPV!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Betties G'n'R open thread

photo by Angel Priest

I like several of these individual skaters and enjoy watching them do their thing, and since I'm not really into either team as a team (my outright antipathy of seasons past has faded a bit), it'll be fun to sit back, keep my big mouth shut, and watch the hits, the pack action, and the swift jams.

As for predictions, mine is not too terribly analytical, but I'm somewhat expecting a Betties victory based solely on the momentum of their season.

What say you?

See you in the comments and see you there.

A Derby Poem by Glenn Pape

(My friend Glenn Pape is an accomplished poet and a die-hard Break Neck Betties fan. He was kind enough to grant permission to post this piece that he has been working on which I really love, even though it celebrates, among other things, a victory by the Betties over the Heathers. Just a great poem.)

The Rose City Rollers of the Women’s Flat Track Derby Association: A Fan’s Perspective

In all fairness, I can understand
how my weasely, slime-bag friend might think
this is nothing more than the misplaced lust
of a happily married, 57-year old man.

There are, after all, the fishnet stockings,
the glimpses of garter, the capering cleavage,
the kick-ass attitude, the “fuck me or fight me” gleam
in the six-foot pivot’s eye-blacked, beautiful eyes.

This isn’t lust, it’s passion.

I suppose I really should forgive
my fidgeting, tight-assed friend for what he’s never known:
the vast echo of this concrete coliseum,
the surging tide of drums, the explosive crowd,

the spotlights slashing through the stands,
the clowns, the rivals, the scoreboard, the banners,
the lurid shock of Sump Pump’s fractured jaw.
To him a Polish is only a hotdog, a beer is just a beer.

My pathetic, ignorant friend.

In his defense, I’d have to say
it must be easier for him outside these walls
where his car fits snugly in the space between the lines.
I can hardly blame him for his dreams of quiet asphalt.

He vaguely recalls a different derby, eyed from a safe distance,
when a season unfolded according to plan
and the teams all knew the outcome in advance.
Those black and white TVs are useless now.

Nothing is scripted here.

I suppose I could shrug off the stubborn beliefs
of my smug, obnoxious, whining friend when he says,
“It’s okay, but it’s only a game. It doesn’t mean a thing.”
He’s right, after all… it’s only a game.

But I can remember one summer afternoon, fifty years ago,
tightening the key, clamping my skates to my shoes,
flying forward on four frantic wheels as if something in my future –
this night, this sweet and raucous jam –

was longing for me to arrive.

Breakneck Betties 115,
Heartless Heathers 84.
It’s only derby.
That’s all it will ever be.

But think for a moment,
before you leave,
my poor, sad, empty friend:
no meaning at all and a fan’s mad love…

could there ever be a better bout than this?

© 2009 Glenn Pape

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Roller Derby Documentary Casting Call

From the Ministry of Information:

Documentary film maker Chip Mabry will begin production on the new Rose City Roller docu-series the week of May 10. His crew will be shooting the May 16th G&R / Betties bout. They will be shooting Rocket Mean, Cadillac and Marollin for the 16th, but are looking for additional cast members for upcoming shoot days.

They will be holding auditions for characters on FRIDAY MAY 15th at the hangar at 6:30 pm until they are finished. These will be informal interviews that will take place at the hangar. Each interview will be less than 10 minutes and will be conducted by Chip with Erich (director) shooting the interview. Goal is gather some basic background and see who is comfortable on camera and who is comfortable in the interview process.

We are looking for derbyfolk from all areas - skaters, Refs, Coaches, SUPERfans, volunteers, derby widowers (husbands/wives/girlfriends).

YOU can RSVP to or call him at (503) 710-5423. It will be OK to just show up for audition, but RSVP's are appreciated in order to gauge number of interviews and time needed.

Wheels of Justice will be scrimmaging Friday night from 6-7:30 at this!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

RCR at the Portland Action Sports Expo May 15th-17th

From the Ministry of Information:

Join RCR at this totally awesome three day sporting event at the Portland Expo Center. We are going to be doing demos of how to hit, skate and play derby. Come watch us and show us a little love. There will also be BMX and skateboarding demonstrations and hundreds of booths from the sports industry. Fun!

Advance Tickets here

Portland's Action Sports Expo
Presented by Z100 & Game Crazy
Oregon Convention Center, Portland - Exhibit Halls A-C
Hours: Friday - 1PM - 9PM / Saturday 11AM - 9PM / Sunday 11AM - 7PM

Adults are $7.00, plus fees.
Children ages 6-12 are $3.00, plus fees.
Children 5 years and under are free.
Groups of 5 or more can purchase tickets for $6.00 each, plus fees.
Each ticket is good for admission any single day of the show.
Tickets are sold at the door beginning 30 minutes prior to the opening of the show each day.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Bootylicious Ringer at Inline Regionals

This mysterious item hit my inbox on Sunday from parts unknown:

On Sunday a sight rarely seen except by Noz appeared at the NW Regional Inline Speed Skating Championship. Our very own Ringer, though tired and bruised, skated for Team oaks in the mixed master relay and the women's master relay.

While Noz, Ma Ringer and myself had to sit through what seemed like hours of award presentations, back patting and unsupervised children running amoc to witness Ringer skate, it was quite an exciting afternoon. Most quad fans think inlines are lame. I am sure you've all heard the joke "What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?
Telling your parents you're gay". And while that may be true for the mustachioed males in cutoffs skating down Venice Beach, it is not so for speed skaters.

The races are fast, the skaters are amazing and the audience of 300lb speed skating moms (think overweight pit bulls in lipstick) barking at their poor children to skate faster are hilarious and depressing.
I came away from it with a new found respect for inlines and my own mother. But don't worry about Ringer betraying her derby roots. Ever the rebel, she sported her quads in both her races confusing and upsetting many die hard speed fans.

Her first race was the Mixed Master Relay (mixed meaning 2 men and 2 women, master meaning old people). Ringer was the 1st on the line for her team and beagn with a strong start thanks to her quads but the speed of inlines soon caught up. She was on the B-team for this race and her teammates were soon lapped and out of the running. Her second race was the Women's Master Relay. Again Ringer started for her team and this time they got 2nd place. Of course Ringer will say it is no big deal since there were only 2 teams competing but she skated well and they are still going on to Nationals.

Okay, now that we've gotten the races out of the way let's talk about the outfits! Team Oaks just recently ordered their new uniforms and man are they spectacular. As you can see in the picture they are skin tight and leave nothing to the imagination. They also tend to amplify the lower curves and since Ringer's got such nice ones I now call her Bootylicious. She's got back issues like National Geographic hiding under all those crash pads. J-Lo and Beyonce beware Bootylicious Ringer is in the house! While she was embarrased to be seen in this outfit and I know she is gonna kill me for posting the picture (Noz had nothing to do with it) she can at least be secure in knowing that spectators did not see where babies come from in the ladies uniforms, unfortunately for all that is not so true for the men.

All in all, speed skating is not as lame as I thought it would be and Ringer's done us all proud.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Heathers HRMF post mortem open thread

photo by Miss Mel Mangles

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Vominatrix has Left the Building

photo by George

It's official.

Well, We had had hints that this was probably coming.

Here's a link to her CI interview. A great personality.

Captain Ringer: "She'll always be a Heather."

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Heartless Heathers v. High Rollers open thread

photo by Steven L. Price

JeLLyPiG, in another venue earlier this week, typed "Which High Rollers team will show up? I'm hoping it's that tough bunch of up and comers. I love watching the Heathers rise to a challenge."

I too would love to see the High Rollers bring it. They have a team loaded with talent, and they have made it all cohere at least once this season, when they took down the Betties in the seeding tourney.

I fully expect the Heathers to take the win in this one, though, if for no other reason than that, at this point in the season, they have a grab-bag of well-tested strategies they can deploy in any surprising combination they choose. Oh that and they have a team loaded with talent.

See you in the comments.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Sump Pump: Another View

Update: Aitch complained that the image wasn't as high-res as the one received via email, so I re-uploaded the higher res one. You can see a bigger pic of the x-ray by clicking the image above.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

And Bragging Rights Go To?


For those of you following the awesome smack talk battle between Ringer and Slaybia, Ringer's Mamas squeeked by Slaybia's Princesses in the STDD inagural bout tonight. 

The bout had several lead swaps with the occassional 20 point stretch between teams but generally a close bout. With about enough time for a jam and half, the Princesses had a 76 to 75 lead over the Mamas. The jam started with the Princesses taking the Lead Jammer and calling the Jam before any points were scored. This attempt to play the clock down backfired. With enough to start one more jam, the Mamas took the Lead Jammer and popped for a quick 8 point to close with a 83 to 76 win.

And NO, no saggy uteruses fell out. Sicktown did have a good turn out and several Heathers' faithful made the quick trip to Corvallis to take in the bout. All in all, Sicktown Derby Dames, not only have a wicked awesome logo but put on a damn fine little bout. 

It was a nice derby fix to get me through to next weekend. 

Friday, May 1, 2009

G'n'R vs. "Some Lovely Ladies of WA!", Friday, May 8

Via Twitter:

Please come to Guns N Rollers v. Some Lovely Ladies of WA! Friday, 5/8 at 8 pm-The Hangar at Oaks Park--$5!

Wow, full weekend of roller derby, that, because also: