Meet the Cadaver: MercGirl

Cadaver Name: MercGirl
Age: 39 and 10/12ths
Neighborhood: Felony Flats
Beverage of Choice: Metro Mint Chocolate Mint Water
Misc: Driver of the coolest big pink car ever. Cubicle slave M-F.
Cadaver for 2 Years

Q.You actually tried out for Roller Derby way back when it was starting, didn't you? What are your memories of all that, and what derailed your plans?

I actually planned to try out last winter. I had wanted to try out since the very beginning and it took me that long to work up the guts to do it. I was unemployed last winter and spent several days a week skating at Oaks getting ready to try out.

When the January pre-tryout clinic rolled around, I felt pretty good about my basic skating skills and endurance. I showed up at the hanger, nervous as HELL with all the proper gear. I managed to do about two laps around the track before I fell hard on my ass. I hurt BAD. I got up fast and refused to show any reaction to the pain. I kept skating through the entire clinic (about 2 hours) learning to fall and stuff. When it was nearly over I told Judge Mental what had happened. I was hurting bad by that point. She advised that I take some time off, ice my butt and possibly see a doctor.

I drove home in excruciating pain. My husband was not too happy with the state of me when I got home and tried to get me to take my sorry ass to the hospital. I refused to go, of course. (I am an idiot.) I did see my doctor later and she confirmed that my tail bone was cracked and the only thing to do was let it heal and sit on a donut pillow. I had already had to have fluid drained off my knee from falling down at Oaks one too many times, my back is not the greatest, now my butt was broken. I was starting to get the idea that maybe I was a better Cadaver than skater.

It was hard to accept at first, but I am okay with it now. I have hopes of helping Nurse Ratchet (my neighbor) decorate for the Championship Bout and make signs. I still have to sit on the donut pillow in the Ice Box (the bleachers suck.) I made a stylish skull print cover for it.

Q.How did you start as a Heathers fan, and what keeps you coming back to the Ice Box?

I am a Heather, it was a given at first, but I stay because I LOVE the team. Everyone Heather I have met has been wonderful, beautiful and gracious. I am enamored with each and every one of them.

Q. Do you have any favorite moments from bouts past?

Most recently it was seeing the Heathers come back and beat G-n-R at the last bout. That new rule was maddening and I was really sweating that score first half.

Q.Which Heather do you revere most, and why?

Got to be Goodie. We are a couple of months apart in age and she was my major inspiration for finally trying to try out. We seem to have many things in common. Oh, and holy hell can that woman skate.

Q.You and your daughter Hannah (bassist for Portland's own Monster-Sized Monsters), usually attend pretty well decked out in Heathers colors and gear. And you do a lot of skating together. Does Hannah have a derby future?

We do plan our derby outfits. Gotta sport the team colors. I own more blue items now than I have ever in my lifetime. Sadly Hannah will not be at the Championship bout with me, her band is going on tour. I will be lost with out her, but I will send her text updates of the score. We do skate together quite often. Not as much as we would like. Life gets in the way of fun. She is actually working at Oaks this summer as a ride operator.

Hannah is determined to try out as soon as she is old enough. She just turned 19. The Rosebuds starting this year kinda bummed her out because she is too old for them and too your for RCR. Only 2 more years.

Q.You're also a big High Rollers fan. How do you cope with the inevitable inner turmoil when the Heathers and the High Rollers face one another?

I stress, I toss, I turn. I just have to know that the HRMF know that I love them and deal with the inner turmoil. I own a LOT of green too.

Q. Any words of wisdom or inspiration for the Heathers in the run-up to their epic championship battle with the Breakneck Betties?

Kick their prissy asses.

Meet the Cadaver: Kanna

cadaver name: Kanna
age: 43 going on 32
neighborhood: SE a couple miles from the hangar
beverage of choice: shots of Bushmills or a good room temperature stout
Heathers fan for 2 years and counting
location: Always sitting on the jam line


CORONER: How did you get started going to Portland Roller Derby?

Kanna: There was a front page article in the Oregonian’s entertainment section back in February 2006 that talked about a local women’s roller derby league. I remember watching roller derby as a kid so when I first read about a team in Portland I was pretty excited and wanted to check it out. The story talked about a rag-tag group of diverse women who had come together to revamp roller derby. How could I not be interested?

My first bout wasn’t until the final match of the 2006 season. I went with my buddy George and we had an absolute blast; there were times I felt as if I was on a psychedelic acid trip. Walking back to the car that night we vowed that we could easily be season ticket holders if ONLY they sold season tickets. Voila, the season ticket program was launched the following year and both George and I have been season ticket holders ever since. In fact, this year, we are season ticket holders #1 and #2. Something I’m very dorkingly proud of!

Now I’m totally addicted to derby. Whereas in the 80s and 90s I was a Deadhead traveling around the west coast and the U.S. experiencing as much music as I could I’ve now transitioned into being a Derbyhead. I can be found down at the hanger on scrimmage nights watching the gals practice and I plan on being in Houston to watch the Wheels of Justice skate in the Western Regionals in October. In fact, I enjoy derby so much that my family thinks I’m downright crazy but I really don’t care!

You're a great fan, and that you and your man bust ass as volunteers for the team. Why did you become a Heathers fan and what keeps you coming back to for the team?

Why did I become a Heather’s fan? They are freaking Heartless and we hate the Betties! My man and I love the Heathers and we have been faithful fans from the very beginning. It was just luck that George and I sat in the Ice Box for our first bout and I don’t know if there was one thing that I found fascinating with the Heathers; they are too multi-faceted to have just one single attraction, you know?

The lovely WMC, wicked Nurse Ratched and some Heather cheerleaders were pumping up the cadavers in the crowd and the pre-bout energy was infectious. Then the bout began! Women with amazing skating prowess had names such as Vominatrix, Goodie Two-Skates, Sol Train, Slaybia Majora, Teqkillya and Scratcher in the Eye, with crazy personalities that matched their athletic intensity. How could I not be attracted to such an awesome team? The fan base, the support crew and the skaters themselves are all a bunch of freaks and I fit into that dysfunctionality perfectly.

Now, what’s this volunteer thing you are asking me about? Wrench from the Guns and Rollers sold my man George and I these ticket packages for "Roller Derby Fantasy Camp" (RDFC) that takes place the Friday before each bout. We each gave Wrench $100.00 because she told us if we sign up together we can save $50 per person and she gave us promises of "rubbing elbows with roller girls" and maybe getting a free beer or two if there’s any left over at the end of the day. What a farce!

Seriously though, George and I volunteer because we simply want to give back to the derby community by showing our appreciation for all that the Rose City Rollers organization does. We had no idea about the magnitude of energy that goes into each and every bout set up/tear down coupled with the commitment and dedication of all the skaters and the entire support crew; so why not volunteer some of our time to help the organization that we love flourish? I’ve also started to volunteer in other aspects other then just bout set up. This past spring I started to sit on the events committee, I’m helping out with the Northwest Knock Down after party committee and recently joined the new merch committee.

And who is this guy George? He’s a great guy who’s my "man" in derby speak only. I have known George for over ten years and we decided last year to mimic the derby girls who take on derby wives and become "derby hitched" ourselves. I guess it was at Derby Days at Oaks Park last year when George and I decided to make that "commitment" and since then he’s been my derby hubby. He’s the best. Love ya hubby!

Do you have any favorite moments from bouts past?

Favorite moments are hard to chronicle on paper. There are many from the past two years but a few do need mentioning. I believe a lot of my favorite moments are more gestaltian (if I can make up a word) then a specific jam or block from a bout. For example, I enjoy the plethora of costumes worn by both Vominatrix and Goodie Two-Skates whose derby personalities are expressed through fashion statements. I have also had a lot of fun traveling up to Washington to watch Axels of Annihilation play at the Rust Riot tournament and recently against Jet City in Lynnwood. There’s something about being in "enemy territory" and cheering for the out of town underdogs.

If I must pick a specific bout moment, I would say the last bout between the High Rollers and the Betties was by far one of the most exciting roller derby matches I have ever watched. The last jam between Licker-N-Split and Rhea DeRange was intense with the outcome of the bout resting on this one last jam. I think every derby fan in attendance had to have loved that moment.

Describe some favorite non-bout moments with the Heathers.

There are many favorite moments; some I can remember and some I am reminded of!
I think my first non-bout activity was Derby Days last year at Oaks Park. Being a previous beer snob, Derby Days was my inauguration into consuming massive amounts of PBR. One of my fondest memories that day was watching my plastered hubby George try to hit the target on the dunk tank whenever a Heather took a seat in the tank.

Speaking of George, the Heathers’ Anti-Valentine’s Day party 2008 was another fine time, or what I can remember of the party. This time a little too much Dead Guy Pale Ale was consumed. . .but I do remember watching Viagrra pull George’s pants down at the spanking booth exposing his "tidy whities" and laughing hysterically while both Viagrra and Skyotica spanked the bad boy.

Some other fun moments that come to mind is a night drinking "tea" with Sol Train’s brother at Plan B. Ha Ha Hahaha, tea! The "Coup de Ebay" when George won Vominatrix’s silver bikini at a recent Wheels of Justice fundraiser. Or something as laid back as eating dinner with Goodie, Edie Disorder from the Betties and a couple other folks at Cha Cha Cha’s on Hawthorne.

Confess: do you have a favorite Heather? Many favorites? Who and why?

I have several favorite Heathers. The team is full of women with great character and skating skills. I already brought up Vominatrix and Goodie’s ability to change costumes and skater personalities but they are both great athletic skaters as well. Sol Train must also be mentioned to round out the Heathers’ triumvirate. Sol Train is just crazy fun to watch. I have too many favorites and too much to say about each of them. Cheesy but true. I do want to say quickly that I love watching Ringer, Viagrra and Scratcher jam; all have improved so much this year.

A recent addition to the Heathers Mobi-Wan Kenobi deserves a quick shout out though. I was happy to see the Heathers draft her earlier this year. George first met Mo last year at RDFC and I remember watching her skate as Fresh Meat and I’ve spoken to her a few times at RDFC too. Mo has unselfishly shaved her head twice this year for the sake of others - that says a lot about someone’s character in my book. I look forward to watching Mo and the other two newest Heathers - Ginger Binger and SheRex during the 2009 season.

What words of inspiration or advice do you have to offer to the Heathers as they prepare for their upcoming epic battle with the Breakneck Betties?

The Betties can be beaten. Snap their undefeated streak August 9 and take back the championship trophy! Stay focused and out of the penalty box. Be mentally strong and take each two minute jam as another opportunity to put those Betties in their place. . .SECOND PLACE.

I will lose my voice cheering you guys on and George is already working on signs to pass out to the crowd. I have even made a "death wager" that hinges on your victory. I have made a bet with a certain Bettie that the loser has to drink a shot of straight absinthe - that’s 140 proof alcohol people. That’s how much I love my Heartless Heathers. It’s very bitter and did I mention 140 proof? It’s really strong, as in corroding the esophagus strong. So, please selfishly, win so I can make the Bettie sprout hair on her chest when she takes that shot of unadulterated absinthe.

HEATHERS 08’
HEATHERS POR VIDA!!!!

Meet the Cadaver: JeLLyPiG

cadaver name JeLLyPiG
age: 44
neighborhood: Hawthorne
beverage of choice: Anything priced below $5.26 a glass…and alcoholic
Heathers fan for: 2+ years


Q. How did you get started going to Portland Roller Derby?

I actually don’t remember how I heard about the Rose City Rollers, only that they had already had one bout and that I already missed it. I do remember telling my then fiancée, “there is Roller Derby in town and we’re going!” She promptly replied with a look of hesitation and the long wind-up response “Mmm…yeah…that kind of sounds like a boy’s night out…doesn’t it?” Sounds good…but I didn’t really have any “boys” to night with. So, some emails, voicemails and a few text messages later I had enough half-assed commitments to go out and buy four tickets knowing that I would fill the seats.

So the four of us, rapidly approaching or already in the midst of middle age, jaded cynics assembled, picked a DD (a Designated Driver… not a Derby Drunk) and headed out to the Expo Center for some roller derby action. I remember walking into “Season 1 Bout 2” thinking this is the shit! All of us had goofy grins, the spark of excitement in our eyes and that whole “this is cool” head bobbing thing. Beers were in order!

That first bout was cool because I had no allegiances, didn’t know anyone connected to derby, it was all fresh for me and I could just sit back and take it all in and I did, along with about 80 bucks in beer (I scored the ticket so I wasn’t in the drawing for the DD prize).

The basic rules of the game I understood, having watched roller derby on TV as a kid and the two odd bouts I saw with some random traveling teams at the Junior High Gym in my hometown of Nowhere Oregon back in the early 70’s. This new derby was different, it seemed more real to me and the event itself had some crazy energy and I was getting hooked. One of the guys asked if they had season tickets and all us were talking about what blast it was to watch and how we would definitely be going to all the bouts.

I remember thinking and then telling everyone “It’s the most Punk Rock thing I have been a part of in years”. And there is the key to my addiction, I saw and still see myself as being a part of “it”. From that point forward it was all bout derby for me.

Of that original foursome, I was the only one to make going to every bout a near reality. Oh they hit the odd bout here and there, usually with me…since I have two season tickets they are stuck as the designated driver. Sucks to be them!

Q. Why did you become a Heathers fan and what keeps you coming back to the Ice Box?

Since I had no real connections to the league beyond the love of the game when it started, no friends, friends of friends or some coworker’s sister playing on a team, I spent the first few bouts just watching and cheering randomly for crushing blocks and various rallying jammers. Eventually there were a few players I really enjoyed watching and some were Heathers. The lynchpin in my choice of teams was when Goodie Two Skates finally joined the roster.

I took major crap from my teenage daughter, a part time GnR fan, for “jumping on the winning team bandwagon” and in ’06 that argument could be made, but it's bollocks. The Heathers had and still have not only my top three all time favorite RCR players but a host of other wickedly talented players, win or lose. So now I would bleed Heathers blue if I even had a heart.

As for chillin' in the Ice Box, shit I don’t even sit there. I have this elaborate theory about the best viewing spot for big moves through the pack and where the best blocking crashes happen. Though the Ice Box is the coolest seat in the house (especially on those hot May bout nights) I need to watch the damn game AND have easy access to the beer trailers.

Q. Did you make those "Posse" graphics that slide across your MySpace page? Whose posse are you in? Who are your top Heathers and why?

Am I under oath? Um…those are scans of stickers that I…aw…”found” yeah found, on the rough and tumble streets of East Portland. A nice clean cut guy like me would have nothing to do with the nefarious Derby Drunks art crimes through out this fine city of roses. It is just a crazy coincidence that the first three “Posse” stickers happen to be not only my favorite Heathers, but my all time favourite Rose City Rollers. (I spelled it all Canadian that last time in case any Terminal City Roller Girls read this, eh?).

Seriously, Goodie Two Skates (G2S), Vominatrix and Sol Train are a pleasure to watch every bout. “Why?” Well, they are all quite different players in execution and style but with the Star, the Stripe or in the pack, they can be effective in all the positions. They are the treasured utility players of the sport, hard working, consistent and entertaining.

Goodie is not afraid to be a goofball and a hardass usually within the same jam. You can tell she is having fun. I love her arm moves, when she noses in front of the some skater she has been jockeying for position with she gets an inch of edge and sticks her arms out like she is “just stretching out…no foul here”. Or her “It’s the Cops!” move, when she is deep in the pack and bearing down on a skater, close to making contact from behind, her arms go straight up, she glances at the refs and attempts to look innocent. She says she’s “In it for Grin, Not the Win” and that’s no bullshit because even though she plays for keeps out there you can tell she is loving what she doing and I can’t help but root for her.

Vominatrix like G2S is clearly having so much fun and it’s great to watch. She’s got that long lanky body, sort of a praying mantis in a crazy outfit with skates but capable of great speed. She knows how block in the pack, how feed the opponent what looks like an open passing lane only to shut them down when they make their move and I laugh my ass off every time she does it.

Sol Train, well…SOL TRAIN! Here is a player that does an amazing job controlling the pack as a pivot, skates smart and tough as a blocker and has this uncanny way of seeing the line she needs to skate and cutting though the pack as a jammer. How do you NOT love that shit? The little engine than can and does.

Now, if you skate in any roller derby league, you have my utmost respect, if you are a Rose City Roller you have my admiration and if you’re a Heather, well you have my heart. These ladies are huge part of why I became a hardcore derby fan.

Q. Do you have any favorite moments from bouts past?

You mean like when I tried to hug uber-volunteer Johnny Franco? Or the bout I was obsessed with stealing a VIP seating sign for my office? Or maybe the bout when G2S was in the penalty box? Wait… that happens EVERY bout!

Actually, there have been some great moments over the years and they sort of all meld together. That might a result of the beers…

Q. What words of inspiration or advice do you, hardest of the hardcore fans, have to offer to the Heathers as they prepare for their upcoming epic battle with the Breakneck Betties?

Win…Win damn it!

Let’s face it, the Heathers know what they need to do and come August 9th they just need to execute it. We are talking about a team with great skill, poise and seasoned players. My advice would only be the ramblings of some drunken fan, so here we go!

Get in there heads early and take their game away from them.

Shutdown Ava: she’s not their only scorer but she is a key component. That crazy butt block that knocked on her ass the last bout seemed to throw her game off. Lock up Domesticated Violence early on because in the pack she has some great moves but she loses focus when she can’t skate her game. And Rhea…shit Rhea…do not let her get De Ranged!

Skate hard, skate fast, skate as team and leave a wake of red in your trail. We are with you…you’ll hear us out there:

Hea…thers! Hea…thers! Hea…thers! Hea…thers! Hea…thers! Hea…thers! Hea…thers! Hea…thers!

Meet the Cadaver: grunt

cadaver name: grunt
age: 27
neighborhood: The Land of Canucks!
beverage of choice: Any thing with hops. Too many to choose from. In Canada: Sleeman's Honey Brown Lager nad in USA: Pyramid Weizen
Heathers fan for: 1 1/2 years (well maybe 3, I just didn't know Goodie was a Heather (although at the time she might not have been)

You live in BC, correct? Do you come down often for Portland Roller Derby?

I do live in BC. Last year, I think I caught at least 3 bouts from September to November. This year it's been a little busy, but I'm trying to make it down there!

Tell us about your own league and team. How long have you been at Roller Derby, what got you into it, and how is it all going for you?

I skate with the Terminal City Rollergirls. My team are the Riot Girls, currently undefeated in our first season skating together. I've been a derby girl since January 2006, a founding member of TCRG. I caught the A&E Rollergirls show and googled to see if there was anything going on and I came across Rollergirl.ca's Pink Forum. All sorts of skating related information there, as well as a call out for interested derby skaters back in '06. This season is going pretty good, we've also released the names of the skaters who have made the TCRG travel team which I am proud to say I am a part of.

How did you become a loyal Heathers fan?

In July of 2007, a group of Heathers came to BC to scrimmage with our league. I think no matter what, the Heathers will always be a favourite of any Terminal City league members that were around at that time. Whether it be tips on how to make the perfect hit - timing and precision key! Or how to have as much fun as possible, even if they did get lost in Downtown Vancouver... What I think really cements it for me is when a group of us came down and a small group of the Heathers' Misters hung out with us pre-bout. Made sure we were taken care of and really told us how to behave in the Box!

Do you have any favorite moments from bouts past?

Honestly I can't pin-point a key favourite moment. It could be a great hit or a jammer getting by the opposing blockers. I just love when the Heathers come together and work as a team! ok, I do have to say any time Goodie skates - be it jamming or blocking - is just awesome to watch.

What words of inspiration or advice do you have to offer to the Heathers as they prepare for their upcoming epic battle with the Breakneck Betties?

They should know that Terminal City is sending some bruising hits the Betties' way. To rock them hard and know that it's the HHMF 2008 Champions!


Vid by Fire Crotch and Doc Holiday of Goodie and D-Day bound by hula hoop on quads during the Heathers' legendary Vancouver visit. Hat Tip to D-Day for the link.

Our Heathers fix is right around the corner...

Those in the know are already aware that the Rose City Rollers kick off Season 4 this Saturday @ the Expo Center. And yes, our beloved Heartless Heathers will be skating - including the incomparable Vominatrix in what may be her last bout (see below) - against an opponent to be determined by a coin toss moments before the bout.

And also, as pointed out by Teq"Kill"Ya, RCR has a whole variety of Season and Multi-game ticket packages available.

But for those of you procrastinators, RCR is once again implementing "Cheap Ticket/Fan Appreciation Nights" on the Wednesday before the bout...that's TONIGHT!!!

That means you'll be able to score discounted tickets (how does "buy 3-get-1-free" sound?) to this weekend's bout (and avoid those wicked "convenience fees") as well as meet a roller girl or two tonight during the hours of 6-8pm at Oaks Park Skating Rink, Rogue Distillery & Public House, the Night Light Lounge, Kay's Bar, or Beulahland.

If anyone (Heather, Cadaver, or other) has plans to be at one of these locations tonight and isn't shy, post in the comments and maybe we can have some impromptu meetups across town!

Wednesday Heathers Googling

Sol Train and D-Day (furry booties!) just like old times, only better. Photo by Steven L. Price

Rocko Billy discusses the championship bout at his blog. Go give him some love in the comments section.

Chrissy loved the bout too. Go give her some love in the comments section.

If you're new to this blog, have a look at three favorite older posts and meet some very interesting Heathers:

Vominatrix

D-Day

and

Ginger Binger

Go give 'em some love in the comments section.

More Heather and Cadaver profiles in the hopper.