Wednesday, March 17, 2010

If I only had a heart...

Time for me to move away from watching Philly get beat by the Best of West on Dvd and throw some PiG crap at the blog. Yes, thanks to the efforts of Blaze Streaming Media you too can buy your favorite bouts from track 1 @ Wild West Showdown on Dvd. As you can imagine, I watch them like they are the Zapruder film.

Speaking of "back and to the left"…I’m not clear on which step of the grieving process I am currently on after the 112 - 113 loss to the High Rollers on Saturday. With all the money I spend on my Roller Derby Obsession, I can’t really afford the professional help I so badly need. Perhaps spewing it out in a blog will help more than the piles of empties around my desk...

I seriously doubt anyone thought for a second the High Rollers were going to go quietly. As the man on the mic, Mike Chexx pointed out in his podcast about the HR vs G’nr bout last month, the HR have depth. Entrenched in that depth is some highly skilled veterans, and a team that has proven they can play as a cohesive unit. The bout was always going to be a battle of capitalization, that is capitalizing on the mistakes of the competitor and not allowing them to capitalize on yours.

Starting off with a couple of quick jams, the Heathers went up, only to be down by a few points over the next couple of jams. Viagra’s nine point jam in the 7th jam, with some monster Firecrotch blocking seemed to give the Heathers some momentum along with the lead. The Heathers seemed focused through the next five jams and FC’s 4 points capped it off with a 42- 23 lead. Not a wide enough margin against a team that posted a 45 - 0 run against the G’nr and as you would imagine the HR powered back. After a six point jam by Minstrel Psycho, Wreck Deckard took the line with 4 on 2 pack advantage and hammered in a 17 point run to give those High Roller MF'rs a three point lead. Follow that with an HR Power Jam and consistent four point runs and the High Rollers put away the first .5 with 59 - 51 lead over the Heartless ones.

And my “critical first ten minutes of the second half” theory?

I doubt the second half game plan was get Scratcher to the box in the first jam. BUT, two solid jams by Viagra sandwiched a four point Sol Train jam and took the Heathers to a 75 - 59 lead. After a down but productive run by Twat, Scratcher made a big run and took the Heathers to a 90 - 73 lead. At this point it became a series of little battles and the effects of penalties, which the High Rollers were winning. With about 10 minutes left in the bout, Wreck faced our Mobi at the line and hit big with 11 as MoB’s hit the box. Now down by 8, the pressure was on our ladies in blue to come back and they had ten minutes to get the job done. Unfortunately, Madame Bumpsalot made her post retirement debut, and the time off had zero effect on her skills allowing her to build a 108 - 92 lead.

With about five minutes left, my notes get sketchy when compared to my memory. I know Scratcher hit for double digits and got it close, Viagra took the line beating out Bumps and Heathers had the lead 112-108. Scratcher was back on the line in a Power Jam, because Bumps was called to the box as the jam lined up. Scratch gained Lead Jammer, appeared to be watching the clock wind down, almost playful threatening to call the jam and with 10 sec on the clock the fourth whistle blew and the jam was called. The High Rollers immediately called for the Time Out they had left…the clock rolled until Wench Warden straightened things out. Now with 10 seconds on the clock the last jam began, Scratcher again alone on the line. My eyes were fixed on Bumps who was up and on her way out of the box while the HR tied Scratcher up in pack. Bumps hit the pack with a vengeance, quickly assumed Lead Jammer, controlling the clock. Scratcher elected to play Jammer on Jammer defense at the rear of the pack, missed the block and Bumps was through racking up five points as the jam clock wound down and BOOM! By one point the High Rollers had that second .5 and the bout.

Now I am just a drunken yokel that has seen a few derby bouts. I couldn't tell you whether the annoying track barriers were set to the 5' WFTDA minimum standard or not. I do know Scratcher calling the jam with 10 seconds on the clock was a huge “Oh SH!T” moment. With time on the clock and Time Out in my pocket, even a Weed Seed like me would have called for a time out to stop the clock. Why, oh why the choice was made to call the jam and risk the Lead Jammer status you already owned is beyond me.The High Rollers used that poor choice as an opportunity to capitalize, which is exactly what they did. Don’t be confused though, the High Rollers won the bout, it was effort and team work that gave them the position they needed to be in to close.

Though my bout notes are written in mediocre teenaged penmanship and the numbers don’t quite all add up, the facts are close enough. Over three quarters of the Heathers offense and even more jams came on the backs of three jammers. Viagra Falls turned in huge numbers all the way around, Scratcher jammed enough for two people and Twat did one hell of a job as well, but the pressure was on those three. On the High Rollers side, they jammed 6, with NO WHITEY (To the Heathers 7 ) and got great consistent productivity from five of them, those five also shared pretty equally the number of jams jammed. Tired jammers make mistakes…the five Power Jams the HH allowed coupled with silly fouls and the call of the jam are evidence of that.

In the end I remembered my lesson from last season, this sandwich goes down easier with more Ketchup.

Thankfully Sunday gave me an opportunity to wash that taste out my mouth with some killer Buds. It was the Sisterly Smackdown with the Rose Buds paired up with their Derby Mommies. It was simple and pure Roller Derby Fun. From our Heartless Heathers there was D Day beaming like a proud Den Mother. Goodie was being all goodie. Scratcher…not calling off the jam out there. A rare appearance by the alter ego, Hard Candy. Mick U Cry was hiding out in a blonde wig in a vain attempt to avoid what no doubt feels like targeted officiating. The treat was recently retired and Original Eight HH skater…TeqKillYa on skates and out there trading blocks with the Rose Buds. The Barbie Breakers took the match up with a 140 - 133 win over the Jump Rope Mafia. It was a great reminder of just how fun this game can be to one of “those people” that takes it all to seriously.

And seriously, there’s a great match up on the 20th in Rainy City as they take on Atomic City in Centralia. Our precious Rose Buds will (NOT) be playing a halftime bout there. Of course Rainy City will be here on the 26th for a $5 scrimmage bout against our Heathers, followed by those Betties versus G’nr on the 27th.

Until then…I'll be reading Tank's article in the Spring 2010, FiveOnFive...(page 16) and watching RCR vs Oly on DVD. At least up until it's 4:00 mins into the second half, because the game ends when PiG says the game ends.

Edited the Buds in Rainy City bit based on Creepy Stalker intel from the Social Networking site


Anonymous said...

Yeah I f'd up big time. Sorry ya'll. No excuses. I assumed they didn't have anytime outs left. Certainly made an as out of me. I have learned my lesson and it will never happen again.


Anonymous said...

Sorry... the scoreboard should have read HH 112 - High Rollers/Refs 113. Not a sore loser, but the HH should have had a much greater lead, but it seems like the refs (for 2 seasons now) have it out for the HH.

The Coroner said...

JP, great write-up. Thanks a million.

Scratch, you always give a ton out there and give your fans great joy and thrills (think WWS, think all of your amazing games). And like any human, you're entitled to mistakes. I wouldn't take them too hard if I were you (which I could never be, since there's no way I could do what you do). I couldn't believe how well you skated that night when you were so sick. Get well soon, and happy Spring.

Other Anonymous, JP's intent was not to post the final score, but to post a shot of the board at a pivotal moment of the game. As for the refs, I don't know, maybe you have a case to make, but they seem like a pretty fair lot to me, though the calls don't always go the way I'd like them to, and when a strange call goes against the Heathers I am more likely to notice.

Thanks for posting and thanks for the comments.

Anonymous said...

My vagina is eight miles wide.

The Coroner said...

Anonymous, you are still my favorite commenter.

George said...

Don’t be so hard on yourself Scratcher. You did great that night. One little mistake in the grand scheme of things means nothing. You’re an awesome jammer. We love you!

Great write-up as usual, JeLLyPiG. Your bout re-caps keep getting better and better. And I loved the Zapruder film reference! Kanna and I joke about how we analyze derby events as if they were the Zapruder film all the time! Hilarious!

Anonymous #2, do you have any specific examples of exactly how the refs have "had it out" for the Heartless Heathers? (I believe the correct phrase is "had it in", but I understood what you meant)

JeLLyPiG, we'll see you in Centralia this weekend! Go Rainy City!!!

JeLLyPiG said...

Well a wise drunken lil Derby Troll (with white skates) once said to me "Nut up Pigg".

So I'm not going to back peddle on my post, but I will say "Turn on Scratcher" was not my intent. The fact that Scratcher's response was void of ALL BS is part of the reason she is STILL one my favourite players. If the f#@k'n game is on the line, the line is exactly where I want to see her.

I do hope that I lent some context to how it happened.

I root for a TEAM which for me means "Live as a Team, Die as a Team".

Scratcher does have a Posse and I'm still all HPmfV!

Anonymous said...

I love your posts JP! And expect to see another Tekillya appearance in the near future

Anonymous said...

love D-Day

kanna said...

Scratch - shit happens! Fucking love you!!

You are amazing. Even super heroes mess up sometimes.

It's all good!

Anonymous said...

I take offense to the penmanship comment.

JeLLyPiG said...

Oh yeah, I would like to Thank, "Penmanship" Anonymous for tracking the bout for her D@D.

Kill Nye said...

I remember that Scratcher was the first one of many Heathers on the track to congratulate the High Rollers after the clock ran down. That was an amazing display of sportsmanship/sportswomanship from the Heathers. That was amazing to see.

As a fan of the Heathers I was disappointed at the loss, but as a fan of roller derby you couldn't ask for a more exciting bout.

George said...

What? No Rosebuds in Rainy City this weekend? I was looking forward to some halftime derby.

George said...

Centralia halftime score: Rainy City 113, Atomic City 48. No alcohol sales at the Rollerdrome tonight. I repeat, NO alcohol sales at the Rollerdrome tonight. And instead of the Rosebuds, they have merby! Yuck!

George said...

Centralia final score: Rainy City 219, Atomic City 111. Kanna and I are now making a very sober drive back to Portland.