Happy Trails (Derby is a Force that Gives Us Meaning, part 2)

I've had a lot of fun blogging about/for the Heathers these past couple of years. Now I'm going to bow out. I still like derby and revere the Heathers, but have lost the energy for derby writing. I hope JeLLyPiG and others who have contributed here will hang with it, so I have something to read on the CI about the Heathers now and again.

The idea for the Coroner's Inquest originated in a guest blog post over at "All Bout Derby," which read in part:

Derby is fucking fun for a fan, and it's fun trying to figure out more about it by bugging the people who actually do it.

I want more information. I would like all the local teams to have a site on blogspot. com or some other easily updated and accessible (i.e., without-login, i.e. not Facebook or MySpace site) where team updates, skater profiles, news announcements, photos, and YouTube videos would be posted. Associated with those sites would be mailing lists that would announce updates. A skater or a friend of the team could be editor, but the team blog site would engage fans and other interested parties, and would encourage discussion among skaters and fans. Not everyone would have to participate - not everyone enjoys on-line interaction, but an avenue would be created for league-to-fan and team-to-fan-and-back-again information. The blogs would tell me that Ginger Binger had been drafted to the Heathers and was skating the next bout, that Megahurtz would be sitting this one out, that November Pain's pink triangle on her butt was just an emblem of the company that sold her those butt-saving padded shorts, and why Ameana Acid was no longer a Heather but was now a High Roller.

Do most people care that much or want that much information? Maybe not. Maybe they don't mind being surprised that Goodie Two Skates is no longer on the High Rollers, that Sump Pump is finally a Heather again, that Donna De Dead quit the Betties, or that Harm is no longer G'n'R, but such things matter to some of us who build, in our tiny minds, a little drama with a specific cast, a narrative of the cosmos that we can follow. I would love to know what team line-ups I will be seeing next bout, how that skater's ankle is treating her, who will be skating for the last bout of her career, what Fresh Meat will make an immediate difference to her new team.

But who among the many volunteers of roller derby (from bout volunteer to league president) has time to be a blogmaster? And would it mean anything real in terms of fan engagement and increased attendance, or would it just be giving geeks like me something to read on a Saturday night when I should be preparing tomorrow's sermon?


Hm. Well, that's all kind of funny, in retrospect. After reading that, Ringer emailed me to ask if I'd be up to blogging for the Heathers. I couldn't refuse. And obviously, the content here hasn't turned out quite the way I envisioned, but there has been some stuff to read now and again.

What I enjoyed most in doing the blog was finding out about people through the skater interviews and fan profiles. Thanks to all the great interview subjects. You're really remarkable people, every one of you.

Fortunately for everybody, the local on-line derby world has really blossomed lately, what with the G'n'R blog, the RCR blog, fan forums, and skater profiles, not to mention the Facebook and Twitter pages of all the RCR teams. Derby fans have many information sources now, and can go play on-line in any number of venues. I urge you to do so.

And now, for a final disjointed paragraph: Thanks, Heathers. Your autographed 2008 Championship photo hangs in my office, where it receives much adoration. I will be yelling for you in the semis and the finals. You're my favorite sports team ever.

HPV!

Axles of Annihilation in Cali

Battle for the Coast starts tomorrow, Saturday May 1, 2010.

Said Battle is a roller derby tournament in Ventura, California, where Perry Mason creator Erle Stanley Gardner had a law practice and did much of his early writing. Incredible, I know.

Live Coverage at DNN, starts Saturday morning at 11. Apparently, AOA is scheduled to compete at 3:30 and 6:45 p.m. on the first day.

DNN says one thing about the Axles' roster, and the Axles' Facebook Page says quite another, but we'll go with what the Axles tell us:

Heidi Go Seek-Captain
Viagrrra Falls-Captain
Butcher Block
Domesticated Violence
Fire Crotch
Goodie Twoskates
Punchkin
Shove Me Tender
Twat Rocket
Viva Vendetta

Guest skaters:
Sol Train
Smack-ya Sideways - UPDATE - Smackya out due to injury. Feel better!
Boxcar Bethy
Texine

Speed Bump and French Tickler doing bench support.

Go, Sports Team!

AoA will Derby for Food...

TONIGHT! Come out and support the team as they earn their way to the Battle for the Coast. You can lay a solid base for a long night of carousing and carrying on, with proceeds going to help the Axles. Thanks to the good folks at the Hawthorne Burgerville

(Conveniently located across from my favourite Liquor Store. That there is some one stop shopping!)

Here's the det's:

Tonight!

5:00pm - 8:00pm

Burgerville 1122 SE Hawthorne

The best way to start off your Saturday night 5-8! Help us out by showing some support on helping your lovely ladies Annihilate some California ass!

Wheels of Justice's very own coach, DJ Lobster, will be spinning some dancing tunes followed by Napoleon Blown-Apart's new band, Pocketknife!! This is a free event but please feel free to donate for our travel costs. Also, 10% of Burgerville's sales for that evening will go to the team!!

Just so that you know, Burgerville purchases all there own hormone free meats, dairy and produce locally to continue to support the Portland, OR community.

Hope to see you all there!!

Viva La Vom!

So the DRaFT results are in...

Heathers: Vominatrix (returning)

GnR: Rolla Reina (returning)

High Rollers: Mia Feral (fresh meat)

Betties: Fran Checkya (returning)

Thanks to Texine I can just copy and paste.

The Final Jam Commences

High Rollers 113, Break Neck Betties 78

Titania, Twat, Mick!

Oh no! She misaligned the barriers!

JeLLyPiG!

The Docket

Incredible derby weekend ahead.

In fact, to paraphrase a line from Lou Reed's liner notes to Metal Machine Music, this weekend beats your year.

Friday night, April 16, Portland's Wheels of Justice all-star team clashes with Baltimore's Charm City Roller Girls at the Oaks Park Hangar, doors at 7, bout at 8. Portland, sixth in DNN's Power Rankings faces off with eleventh ranked Charm City in an inevitably tough bout against a gritty east coast team on the first leg of a Pacific Northwest swing, wherein Charm also meets Oly and Rat.

Bout is sold out, but if you didn't get tickets, you can watch a great live broadcast here on your computer, or live at Kay's or Buffalo Gap (info at the above link) in high def. And one must emphasize that these live boutcasts are extremely high calibre. Great stuff, RCR.

Saturday, April 17, sold-out last regular season Portland intra-league bout before the June 4-5 semifinals: Break Neck Betties v High Rollers.

Season standings are currently tight, and this bout will help determine the semi-final match-ups.

And in case you didn't get the memo, we'll clue you in: every day this RCR season is Anything Can Happen Day. Most competitive season ever. Best season ever. Either team can win on Saturday. Victory is assured for no one. 

Boutcast link forthcoming.

Sunday, April 18, The Rosebuds v Seattle's I-5 Rollergirls in a great youth benefit at the Hangar. Doors at noon, bout at one, love is all around. $5 at the door. And you can give even more.

Other stuff

Doc Snark has a post on last weekend's Heathers/GnR bout that seems to interpret the Heather's victory as sort of an inverted double one-and-a-half rope-a-dope with a twist. Good reading over there. Go spew in the comments.

Official RCR Fan Forums. Come play with us.

Official RCR Blog. Event recaps, announcements, Baconnaise. Go read!

RCR Newsletter. Subscribe to receive it by email. Interesting and informative.

HEATHERS POR VIDA!

Tuesday Heathers Googling

Boutcast archive is up.

Daily Ab hearts GnR and talks Baconnaise.

Grace Fell has some interesting shots up on Flickr from last Saturday night.

Dr. John Rudoff also has a set of shots up.

Syma had date night at the derby.

UPDATE: via Sharkey, Skippy Steve's shots from Saturday

LATER UPDATE: Sharkey's photos from Heathers v Guns

Baconnaise

Frenchie and Bro Train

The Line-Ups

Great thing I learned at the new Heathers Fan Forum is that Speed Bump posts the 14-player rosters for a coming bout on the bout's events page. Lots of information for this Saturday's sold-out bout embedded therein:

Heathers
Mobi Wan Kenobi
Mick U Cry
The Blast Unicorn
D Day
Fire Crotch
Knotty La Rue
Ruby Bruiseday
She Rex
Scratcher in the Eye
Skintastic Dynomite
Sol Train
Titania
Twat Rocket
Viagrra Falls

GnR
Cher The Pain
Mercyful Kate
Axl Blows
Blood Clottia
Boxcar Bethy
Evilia D. Stroiu
Fist O'Fury
Hard Knox
Knocker Brown
Miss Mel Mangles
Napalm Beth
Punchkin
Smack Ya Sideways
Sugar & Vice

Gee. I think I know who's going to win. What do you think?

Sol Train - Sol Boating

Nice li'l clip featuring Sol Train and some Whitewater porn from over at Northwest Livin' (click-thru to read the blurb).

Some Eye-Popping Stats Compiled by RCR Announcer, Rose City Roller Radio host Mike Chexx

via Mike's Facebook note

"This is obviously not a show post, that should come a little later this week. Instead, this is an update of the League Leaders.

Standard disclaimers apply, which is to say, I don't guarantee the 100% accuracy of the stats contained within this post. The league (and WFTDA) is constantly trying to improve the way that derby stats are taken, recorded, and reported. As this level of statistics is still in its infancy, there are bound to be some miscalculations, and possible database bugs that will eventually get worked out and corrected.

In other words, don't shoot the messenger. Thanks.

It should also be noted that, after much internal debate, I included the stats from the mini-bouts that were from the season opening tournament. If the wins and losses count toward the league standings, I suppose the stats should count as well. Anyway, here you go....

Total number of jams skated:

Chest-Nutz (BNB) 66
Mobi-wan Kenobi (HH) 66
Licker*N*Split (BNB) 63
Mick U Cry (HH) 63
Layla Smackdown (HR) 61

Points (by jammers):

Scratcher In The Eye (HH) 178
SoulFearic Acid (BNB) 114
Licker*N*Split (BNB) 108
Cadillac (GnR) 97
Blood Clottia (GnR) 96

Points Per Jam (minimum 10 jams):

Scratcher In The Eye (HH) 4.56
Licker*N*Split (BNB) 3.72
Wreck Deckard (HR) 3.69
SoulFearic Acid (BNB) 3.68
Cher the Pain (GnR) 3.43

Lead Jammer Percentage (minimum 10 jams):

Licker*N*Split (BNB) 66%
Cadillac (GnR) 63%
Scratcher In The Eye (HH) 62%
Honey Hellfire (HR) 59%
Wreck Deckard (HR) 58%

Penalties In Minutes:

Mick U Cry (HH) 20
Mobi-wan Kenobi (HH) 19
Smack Ya Sideways (GnR) 19
Layla Smackdown (HR) 16
3 others tied at 14

Offensive Block:

Mick U Cry (HH) 21
Napalm Beth (GnR) 18
Layla Smackdown (HR) 17
JK Rolling (HR) 16
Cadillac (GnR) 14
Shove Me Tender (BNB) 14

Offensive Knockdown:

Mick U Cry (HH) 6
Mobi-wan Kenobi (HH) 4
Hurricane Skatrina (HR) 4
Cadillac (GnR) 2
Smack Ya Sideways (GnR) 2

Whip:

Smack Ya Sideways (GnR) 20
Cadillac (GnR) 6
Sedusa Destroy (HR) 6
Domesticated Violence (BNB) 5
JK Rolling (HR) 4

Push:

Fire Crotch (HH) 3
Layla Smackdown (HR) 3
JK Rolling (HR) 2
Napalm Beth (GnR) 2
Titania (HH) 2
Madame Bumps-a-lot (HR) 2

Dozer (Mama Whale):

Fire Crotch (HH) 1
Leet Speaking Missile (BNB) 1
Heidi Go Seek (HR) 1
Sol Train (HH) 1
Ruby Bruiseday (HH) 1
Mobi-wan Kenobi (HH) 1
Chest-Nutz (BNB) 1
Butcher Block (HH) 1

Total Jammer Assists (the 5 categories above, totaled):

Smack Ya Sideways (GnR) 31
Mick U Cry (HH) 31
JK Rolling (HR) 22
Napalm Beth (GnR) 22
Cadillac (GnR) 22

1/4 Track Jammer Block:

Mobi-wan Kenobi (HH) 23
Layla Smackdown (HR) 20
JK Rolling (HR) 16
Hurricane Skatrina (HR) 16
Fire Crotch (HH) 15

Jammer Force Out:

Mobi-wan Kenobi (HH) 24
Mel Mangles (GnR) 18
Mick U Cry (HH) 15
Smack Ya Sideways (GnR) 14
Napalm Beth (GnR) 14

Jammer Hit:

Mick U Cry (HH) 18
Mobi-wan Kenobi (HH) 16
Shove Me Tender (BNB) 14
Mel Mangles (GnR) 13
Viagrra Falls (HH) 11

Jammer Knockdown:

Mel Mangles (GnR) 9
Licker*N*Split (BNB) 9
Mercyful Kate (GnR) 9
Smack Ya Sideways (GnR) 8
Mick U Cry (HH) 6
Mobi-wan Kenobi (HH) 6

Blocker Assist:

Viagrra Falls (HH) 2
12 others tied at 1

Total Attacks (the 5 categories above, totaled):

Mobi-wan Kenobi (HH) 70
Mick U Cry (HH) 54
Mel Mangles (GnR) 52
Smack Ya Sideways (GnR) 39
Layla Smackdown (HR) 38

So, there you have them. I am willing to send individual skaters their individual statistics (as I have them tallied), if you care to see them. Email me, and I will email you back. Questions? Answers? Corrections? Feel free to send them my way...

Mike Chexx"

Great stuff, Mike! Thanks!

Public Service Announcement: Still Tickets Available for Heathers v Guns

Saturday's bout has not yet sold out. I just bought two more tickets my own self.

This bout will sell out, so get on the stick.


She don't skate no mo', but she blows a mean drill whistle.

That's Quite Some "B" Team.

From Axles of Annihilation on Facebook:

"Official Battle For the Coast roster now finalized! Heidi Go Seek-Captain, Viagrrra Falls-Captain, Butcher Block, Domesticated Violence, Fire Crotch, Goodie Twoskates, Punchkin, Shove Me Tender, Twat Rocket, Viva Vendetta. Including Guest skaters: Sol Train, Smack-ya Sideways, Boxcar Beathy, Textine. Special thanks to Speed Bump and Frenchie for offering their bench support!! Were gonna rock it May 1 & 2!!"

New RCR Fan Forums - Pretty Cool

Even though we haven't gotten around to memorializing last weekend's fun, including a Heathers 146-107 scrimmage win against Rainy City and friends (including TeqKillYa!), and the Betties' 107-93 victory over GnR (which you can relive here), we thought we should let you know that Speed Bump has created a public forum for RCR fans, skaters, volunteers, officials, and other interested parties, and it looks like it will be fun. We urge you to register, get your account validated, and start jibbering your jabber, as they say.

RCR has also provided this great directory of other RCR resources (including the humble old C.I.) on the web. Dive in.

Oh, and here's the latest work of genius from JeLLyPiG -

Potpourri for 1000

Skirmish: Heathers scrimmage v. tough ol' Rainy City. Unlimited roster. Friday night at the Hangar. Doors at 7. Roll at 8. $5 at the door. They're sellin' beer. Effin' A.

Bout: Betties v. Guns, Saturday night at the Hangar, door at 5, bout at 6. Trying to get a read on whether we'll see the return of Rhea and Marollin' this bout. Will report back.

Anyway, that stuff's sold out, so if you can't get in, watch it on the live stream or down at Kay's Bar or Buffalo Gap. Nice joints, both of 'em.

Fashion: Still diggin' on the tasty new Heathers uniforms. Word on the street is that Monacle Debacle had something to do with their design.


photo by Sharkey

Renegade: Twat Rocket has been getting in on some Bend renegade action. Skatie Kat was kind enough to link this vid in another venue:

UPDATE: Hoisted from the comments: Skatie Kat said...Both Twat Rocket and the newest HH, Blast Unicorn are featured in the video. Blast gets 2 grand slams! woot!